By Robert Bruce
Special to ARMCHAIR GOLF
WHAT IS IT CALLED? You’ve seen it: the long skinny rod with the three-pronged or circular attachment on the end. It sticks out of some golfers’ golf bags like an awkward 13-year-old at a middle-school dance. I call this device the “golf ball picker upper,” but it could probably be better known as the “six-hour round of golf detector.”When you see one of these strange machinations in a playing partner’s bag, then you only need to do one thing: run! Run like the wind. Run like Usain Bolt being chased by a cheetah. Run.
The man who owns this device is the Golf Ball Finder Guy. And he has one mission on the golf course: finding golf balls. Whether it’s a beaten up and bruised Titleist Balata, circa 1995, a brand new Pro V1, or a Top Flite XL with the Dingleberry Family Reunion logo on its side, the Golf Ball Finder Guy loves to search for golf balls.
Behind a tree? He’ll find it. Plugged into a muddy bank? He’ll find it. In a yard? He’ll find it. In a groundhog’s hole? He’ll find it. In fact, the only ball the Golf Ball Finder Guy doesn’t care about is the one he is currently playing. He treats every lost golf ball as if he is an archeologist digging for a Mayan relic.
Pace of play? Score? Camaraderie? All of these things are nuisances to the Golf Ball Finder Guy. You’re on the green, waiting. He’s somewhere in the shrubs adjacent to the fairway, giddy about finding the Titleist DT 90 with the AT&T logo. He will ruin your score, your patience, and your reputation—once everyone at your course or club realizes you were in the group that played a six-hour round and had the crazy guy who was always in the woods.
So, next time you see this guy on the first tee—just run. Don’t wait around. Don’t ask questions. Don’t hesitate. Run and never look back.
Robert Bruce is a full-time writer and part-time golf blogger in Nashville, Tennessee. Visit his golf blog at www.gameunderrepair.com.
(Image: Sameli/Flickr)
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